Whoops!! I was so motivated to begin blogging, but after my first post, life happened and I got rather distracted. I will get better, I promise! For today's post, I'd like to share something rather personal, but so important to me. The most important thing in the world to me is my sweet little boy, Lucas Lane. I've never shared his entire birth story since it was rather traumatic and emotional for us, but I'd like to do that now.
Dear Lucas Lane,
Thursday, September 4th seemed like it would never come. That was the day we would potentially meet you for the first time, and we were so excited. We had to be at the hospital by 7:00pm, so Daddy and I went to IHOP to have our last meal before becoming parents.
Your due date had been September 1st, which ironically fell on Labor Day. But as your due date came and went, we were very worried that I would go into labor while Daddy was on the road. At the time, one of my biggest fears was having you before Daddy could make it to the hospital. We talked to Dr. Griffin about inducing; even though I really wanted things to happen naturally, my body had other plans, which was to do nothing to start preparing to give birth apparently. Dr. Griffin told us that inducing could mean a very lengthy labor, but we were prepared for that. After much thought and consideration, we decided inducing was the best option for us all.
When we arrived at the hospital, Daddy gave me a hard time about packing so many bags, because he had to carry them all up to Labor and Delivery. I just laughed and said it was all necessary, which it was! The nurses were very kind, and Dr. Griffin came by to check on me. I was given some medicine to help induce my labor. The nurses came to check on me several times through out the evening and night to see if I had dilated, but no progress had been made. The next morning, I got to eat breakfast and take a shower since I wasn't actually "in labor" yet.
Dr. Griffin came by again and we started another attempt to dilate; this time it worked. By around 1:00pm on Friday, September 5th, my water had broken, contractions had started, and I was in labor. It didn't take long for the pain to hit, and when it did, it hit like lightening. It was by far the worst pain I'd ever had. In my birthing class, we had been told in between contractions there was a break from the pain but that was not the case for me. It was consistent, and even though I originally wanted to go as long as possible before getting an epidural, I didn't last near as long as I had planned. Within an our, I got an epidural and the pain vanished. My contractions stayed consistent, and I continued to dilate. My legs were numb, and I wasn't able to move my lower body at all. The nurses had me sit up with my legs bent to sleep, which wasn't easy or comfortable, but it did help. Friday evening and early Saturday morning was pretty uneventful, with exception of the regular checking to see how dilated I was and Dr. Griffin coming by to check on us. A little after 10:00am, I was finally dilated to a 10, and it was push time.
We were so excited to meet you. We already loved you more than anything in the world, and we hadn't even met you yet. Daddy got the camera ready, as Dr. Griffin and a nurse prepared the room for your birth. With the epidural, I was only able to feel pressure of the contractions, but I was able to tell exactly when to push. Daddy stood right there beside me, patiently waiting to meet you for the first time. With each push, the nurse would count down from ten, and I would push with all my might. At one point, Dr. Griffin could see your head, but you had it turned to the side so it was preventing you from coming out. There were several other attempts to get you facing the right way, but they were unsuccessful.
I had been pushing for about two hours when suddenly the mood changed. What had been smiles and words of encouragement from Dr. Griffin and the nurse turned into serious expressions and medical talk. I watched in panic as a group of nurses rushed in. I listened as Dr. Griffin explained that I was now running a fever, and that combined with the fact that my water had been broken for almost 24 hours meant that there was a high risk of you getting an infection. As I was trying to understand what was going on, Dr. Griffin had me push three more times. Everyone was cheering for us, and I pushed as hard as I possibly could, but your head was still turned and I could not push you out. I felt defeated and scared to death as your once steady heart beat began to become fainter to hear. It was then that the horrifying thoughts started flying through my head: What would I do if you didn't make it? What would I tell everyone? How could I go home without my sweet baby? How could anything bad happen to that precious little boy that I felt growing inside of me for the past nine months? I tried to block the thoughts out, but they became my biggest fears. In less than five terrifying minutes, Daddy had notified your grandparents, dressed in scrubs, the nurses had prepped me for an emergency Cesarean Section, and we had been rushed down the halls to the Operating Room. I don't know if it was the medicine or my fear, but my entire body was shaking uncontrollably. I tried to be strong, but I felt responsible for having this all happen. I was scared to death that you wouldn't make it, and I didn't know how I would live with that. The doctor started my IV and Daddy came into the OR and held my hand. There wasn't a wasted minute as Dr. Griffin preformed the c-section. I could feel tears slip out of my eyes as my body jerked around on the operating table. You and your safety was all I was concerned about.
Finally, on Saturday, September 6th, at 12:34pm you were born via c-section. As soon as you were lifted up, I asked if you were okay. There was no reply from the room full of doctors and nurses. You did not cry; no one said anything. Daddy and I kept asking how you were doing and if you were alright, but we weren't getting answers. It wasn't until later we would learn that the only sign you had that you were still alive was your beating heart. You weren't breathing. The nurses had to rush to put a tube down your throat so they could get air into your lungs. When they had you somewhat stable, they allowed Daddy to come see you. As Daddy stood up, he glanced at Dr. Griffin who had blood all over him. In a daze, Daddy walked over to the corner where you were and met you for the very first time and took your first picture.
The nurses then rushed you off to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, and I was able to catch a glimpse of you in a covered clear box as they wheeled you out the OR doors. Daddy kissed me and followed you to NICU. There they cleaned you up as much as they could and weighed you. You weighed 8 pounds 4 ounces and were 21 1/4 inches long. Daddy was able to take a few more pictures of you. Daddy knew you would be okay and that you were absolutely perfect.
I don't remember much in the several hours that followed other than being stuck in a little room that felt like a closet and then being wheeled to a recovery room down the long hall from NICU. The medicines I was on began to wear off, and it began to sink in what had happened. I still hadn't met you, hadn't seen your sweet face, hand't held you or nursed you. I asked several nurses when I could have my baby with me, but was informed that you were staying in NICU because of the complications.
Finally, a nurse told me I could meet you at 9:00pm, as long as I could get up and walk without using a wheelchair. It didn't take me any amount of time before I was up walking. There was no way I was not going to go see you. At 9:00pm, we made the walk to NICU. So many emotions washed over me as I scrubbed my hands and up to my elbows and walked down the NICU hall to your room. There was a sign on the door that said, "Low Stimulation", meaning we were not allowed to touch you. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do when I had to stand there and just look at you. I wanted to pick you up and hold you tight in my arms. I wanted to kiss your puffy cheeks and tiny fingers and toes. Even with all the cords and wires coming out of you, you were the most beautiful and precious thing I'd ever seen. I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone or anything. My entire world was swaddled up in that little blanket. I took pictures of your toes, and I looked at your sweet
face and swollen, bruised head.
You were
everything I’d ever imagined and much more.
The nurse who was taking care of you that night stood and watched Daddy
and I with you. I began to ask questions:
When could I feed you? When could I hold
you? Why had you been given antibiotics
without permission? We were told that I
wouldn’t be allowed to breast feed you, and that when they did feed you it
would be formula and we wouldn’t be the ones to give it to you. I made it known that I only wanted to
breastfeed because that was best for you, both physically and emotionally. You needed to be held and you needed
skin-to-skin contact. We were informed
that we would not be able to hold you until the following day, and you were
given antibiotics because of the concern of infection. The nurse spoke to me in a way that made me
extremely upset and made me feel like I had no say in what was best for you and
like I wasn’t your mother. I got very
angry with the way she treated me and how she made me feel, and it was all I
could do to hold it together until we got out of NICU. Once we got out and to the waiting room, I
fell apart in front of a group of strangers.
I wanted nothing more than to hold you, snuggle with you, and kiss your
precious face. I felt like I wasn’t your
parent since I wasn’t even allowed to touch you. I felt like what I thought was best for you,
wasn’t even considered by the nurse. I
felt that all you needed was your Mommy and Daddy. I cried the entire night until finally
falling asleep.
The next morning, Sunday, September 7th, we got a phone call from a different NICU nurse. I once again asked if I could breastfeed you and was told I couldn't since you had a feeding tube in now. I was told that we could come feed you a bottle though, which meant we could hold you for the very first time. Forgetting that I had just had a major surgery, we practically ran to NICU to see your sweet face. It was scary holding you for the first time with all the wires and cords hanging off of you. Every time you wiggled, alarms would go off. Holding you was still the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. You gulped your bottle down happily and fell fast asleep in my arms. We got to hold you a little while longer before we had to swaddle you back up and put you back on your warmer and go back to our room.
We went back to our room to eat, shower, and of course I still had nurses coming to check in on me. Three hours later we were called back down to NICU to feed you. Much to my surprise, they allowed me to breastfeed you. You knew exactly what to do and had no problems at all. After that, we were down every three hours to see and feed you. We developed a routine: scrub our hands up to our elbows, put on our gown covering, walk to your room, take your temperature, change and weigh your diaper, feed you, snuggle you to sleep, swaddle you, and put you back on your warmer. We were told that because they had started you on the unnecessary antibiotics, they would not even consider sending you home until you had finished your last dose. We were not sure when that would be, but with each day passing by, we hoped surely you would be able to go home the next day. On Monday, we were told that you were doing great, and we were lead to believe that you could possibly be going home the following day. However, on Tuesday, September 9th, we were told that you were jaundice, which was expected since you were breastfed, and they had to put you under the blue light. Our hopes for you going home that day were crushed. The nurses also told us that while you were under the light, we needed to bottle feed you so we could make sure you were getting enough to eat. Luckily, I was able to pump enough milk for you to not have to drink formula, so that made the situation as good as it could be. Making sure you had breastmilk, which we felt was the best thing for you, was the one thing we would not back down on. At 6:00am, 9:00am, 12:00pm, 3:00pm, 6:00pm, and 9:00pm, we would go down to NICU to feed and hold you. Then I would pump during the night and Daddy would take your milk down to you for your 12:00am, 3:00am feedings. Daddy took such good care of you and me during our hospital stay.
On Wednesday, September 10th, we found out that your last does of antibiotics would be on Thursday, but that we may or may not be able to take you home then. We still crossed our fingers and prayed that we would finally be able to take you home then. Dr. Griffin had extended my stay at the hospital as long as possible, but Wednesday evening he had to release me. There was no way we were leaving the hospital without our baby boy, even if that meant we slept in the waiting area. Luckily, the NICU floor's rooms were not full, so they allowed us to room-in Wednesday night. We held our breath Thursday morning, hoping we would get to take you home. They gave you your last dose of antibiotics, ran a few more tests, and did your circumcision. We felt like we were walking on pins and needles waiting to get the final word that we could take you home, but finally that good news came! We were all getting to go home together! Daddy and I went for a walk to the car to get your car seat while we were waiting on your hearing test to be completed. Once you were back in your room, I fed you again, and we took your temperature and weighed your diaper for the last time. We put your tiny clothes on you for the first time and buckled you into your car seat. You cried and made the saddest face, but as soon as Daddy started carrying your car seat, you were fast asleep.
With happy hearts and smiles, we walked down the NICU hall
for the last time, but for the first time with you in our arms.
We ran into Grandma in the elevator who was rather concerned due to a text
Daddy had sent her. She took some
pictures for us as we loaded you up in the car.
Daddy drove carefully and slowly all the way home. Being at home where we could hold you whenever
we wanted and for however long we wanted was the best feeling.
Being your mommy and daddy is the most amazing thing we
could ever experience. We love you to
the moon and back!
With love,
Mommy
